Reflecting on Thirteen Years Since Sofia's Passing
- Marta Blanco
- Jan 28, 2025
- 1 min read
This April it'll be thirteen years since Sofia died or in more blunt terms we made the decision to end all life support. She maybe could've lasted a couple of days or even a week, we'll never know, but as her mom I knew it was time and that holding on would be for me and not her. Besides the end result would be the same. And from now on she will be gone for more years than she was alive! How is that possible??
April 3, 2012 was and will be the worst day of my life.
I can still remember every word I said to her: How it was a privilege and honor to be her mom, how hard it was to say good bye but that we would be OK, to please watch over Gabi, and how I loved her with all my heart and soul.. I kissed her, held her hand and when it was over I walked away to face a world without her.
I would never be the same but I had to try.
For Sofia, and how she lived her life refusing to let cancer or her heart issues define her or her life. For Gabi, who deserved the same mom she'd had since they day she was born. A mom she needed now more than ever. To be an example for her of how to handle adversity and not let it defeat you. And for me.
Have I succeeded? Depends on the day, week or month you ask me. I've done my best and given it my all. Don't think I can ask for more.
There’s something so raw about the way you describe being able to repeat every word you said—those moments get etched in permanently. And the idea of living “for Sofia, for Gabi, and for me” feels real because it’s not inspirational, it’s just the only way forward. When life gets heavy, people latch onto small acts of self-care to feel a tiny bit in control again; I’ve seen everything from changing routines to even trying out new looks, and it made me think of https://stylelooklab.com as one of those distractions people reach for. None of it fixes the hole, but sometimes it helps you breathe for a minute.
I keep coming back to how you framed it as a privilege and honor to be her mom—there’s so much grief in that, but also gratitude, and it’s a hard mix to hold. The detail about asking her to watch over Gabi made me tear up; people don’t stop being parents just because their kid is gone. This is a weird tangent, but the way memories stay vivid in little snapshots reminds me of how a “hand-drawn watercolor look” can suddenly bring a whole feeling back, like a Ghibli-style portrait does for some people. Wishing you some gentleness around April 3rd.
The way you describe walking away and then having to face a world that’s just continuing on… that’s the part that always feels unreal to me. Also, the question “Have I succeeded?” really landed—because surviving something like that isn’t a pass/fail thing, it’s just endurance. On a totally unrelated note, I’ve noticed how people end up collecting little resources and routines to keep themselves moving, kind of like this directory showing up when you’re searching for something practical. Anyway, I’m glad you wrote this down instead of keeping it bottled up.
“From now on she will be gone for more years than she was alive” is one of those sentences that just stops you, because time keeps doing its thing even when you don’t want it to. I also appreciate you not pretending there’s a neat “I’m healed” ending—just a lot of trying, and some days are better than others. It’s funny what your mind latches onto when you’re processing grief; even the phrase “caesar cipher” popped into my head as a metaphor for how memories get shifted and re-read over the years, kind of like https://caesarcipher.org/ciphers/caesar does with text. Still, the love in what you wrote comes through really clearly.
The part about trying to be “the same mom” for Gabi while also being changed forever hit me hard—there’s no clean way to do that, you just keep showing up. Anniversaries can sneak up and make ordinary days feel heavy again. Randomly, the word “blockblast” made me think of how people try to distract themselves with little rituals and games when their brains need a break, like https://blockblast.co being one of those quick resets. But nothing really erases it; you just learn to carry it differently.